just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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