We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She made me pour olive oil on her.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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