I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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