dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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