I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
