Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
