I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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