I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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