I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
