Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
