go do what you do best...puke behind churches
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
