I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
