I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
