I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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