i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
