Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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