She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize