I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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