rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
