i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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