I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
