Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
