I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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