im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
