i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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