I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Pants are for mortals
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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