I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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