So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize