Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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