if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
