He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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