Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
