You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
