i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
