Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
