She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
