Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
