I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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