Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
