I bet he comes in French.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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