So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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