im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize