not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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