hell yes lets make some ravioli
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
