Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
