Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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