I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
we're so committed to being not committed
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
