i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
