New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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