boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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