saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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