Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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