i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
