we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
