I CAN MOONWALK!
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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