I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
