my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
