woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have aggressive nipples.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
