you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
