my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
