I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize