the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
